Wolf Blitzer is a Cyborg

First, I realize that there hasn't been a new post in almost two years. However, the reasons behind my absence are classified at this time.

Secondly, while the circumstances that forced my daily viewing of Senor Blitzer no longer exist, my exposure to the Wolf is somewhat limited. Therefore, Wolf posts may be few and far between.

Finally, what you have been waiting for. Wolf decided to show the world that he lacked human qualities like embarrassment and all semblance of tact, by asking VP Cheney about his Lesbian daughter. What resulted was a classic Blitzer moment.

Now if Wolf was a normal human TV anchor no doubt his headless, handless corpse would have been floating in the Potomac River within hours of completing this interview. However, Cheney knows that Blitzer is part of a top secret CIA program to create a cyborg TV anchor (which was possibly directed by Cheney!), so he laid off of him for now.

This week, Wolf is reporting from Kuwait in what CNN is being described as "Wolf's Mideast Blitz." Pretty interesting choice of words, if you ask me. The Blitz was:

was the sustained and intensive bombing of Britain, particularly London, from September 7, 1940 through to May 1941 by the German Luftwaffe in World War II. Although the Blitz is named after Blitzkrieg, it was not an example of "lightning war".

So does this mean that Wolf is planning on a invasion of some Middle Eastern nation? Does Wolf's appearance in the Middle East signal a new, even more aggressive shift in U.S. foreign policy? Or this another horrible play on words on the wolfman's ridiculously obnoxious name as in "Wolf leads the pack?" Fortunately for those fearing a Blitzer World Order, I think Wolf comes to the Mideast in peace. For now.

According to Reuters, President Bush intends to nominate Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz to be the President of the World Bank. Most interestingly, Wolfowitz would replace outgoing World Bank chief James Wolfensohn.

Why is this interesting? Because my sources tell me that Bush was bound to nominate someone with a "wolf name" and CNN's Wolf Blitzer was on the short list of nominees. I don't know why Blitzer didn't get the post but I originally though it was his lack of a human heart. Then I realized that didn't stop Wolfowitz from getting the job.

Thanks folks, I'll be here all week.

Miami Heat basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal made an appearance on the Bearded One's show sometime last week and quite surprisingly, expressed his love for the robotic CNN anchor:

Anyway, the Miami Heat star, who, by the way is also an "honorary deputy U.S. marshal" and says that when he retires from the NBA he's going to get a job in law enforcement, is just a happy, happy guy. "I'm very happy in Miami. I'm very happy with the law enforcement and what they're doing in protecting our country. I'm very happy with the police officers all over the world," he told the Wolfster before adding: "And I'm very happy with you, Mr. Wolf Blitzer. You are the man." (He shoots! He scores!)

The bearded CNN star replied, laughing: "Our viewers are going to think I paid you to say that."

Back to Shaq: "No, of course not. No, of course not. I love your show."

Now, I always liked Shaq, but his endorsement of Blitzer is making me think that he might have some robotic origins as well. I mean, anyone who goes 7'1" and 325 pounds is not human. Plus no human brain could be capable of rhymes like this:

I'm the hooper, the hyper
Protected by Viper
When I rock the hoop yo, you'd better decipher
In other words you'd better make a funky decision (whoo)
'cause I'm a be a Shaq knife, and cut you with precision
Forget Tony Danza, I'm the boss
When it comes to money, I'm like Dick Butkas
Now who's the first pick? me, word is born and
Not a Christean Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning
That's okay, not being bragadocious
Supercalifragelistic, Shaq is alidocious
Peace, I gotta go, I ain't no joke
Now I slam it (what?) jam it (unh)
And make sure it's broke

So a Wolf tipster pointed me in the direction of a interview that Blitzer did with the Boston Phoenix that has some great moments that show how clearly unhuman he is. Check out this exchange:

Q: Tell me about your name.

A: My maternal grandfather’s name was Wolf, and my mother and father named me after him. So it’s my real name; I did not make it up.

Q: Tough name as a kid?

A: There were moments in Buffalo, New York, where the other kids would say, "What’s your real name?" and I’d say, "Wolf," and the bigger kids didn’t like that answer. It wasn’t that tough. Would I recommend a name like that, or a weird name? I’ve been asked this; especially after the first Gulf War, all these pregnant women were writing me, "I love your name. Should I name my son Wolf?" And I consistently said, "I think it’s tough enough growing up with a normal name, let alone with a weird name." Although if you take a look at Barack Obama, he didn’t do too bad with a weird name himself.

Well, he is telling the truth about one thing, he "did not make it up." But c'mon dude, how much longer do I have to keep writing this blog before you own up to the fact that you are cybernetic killing machine? That shit will make you super popular in the red states, man. They are just itching for that kind of shit in the sticks.

Also, I love this, "after the first Gulf War, all these pregnant women were writing me..." What?!? Is Wolf implying he knocked all these women up? Or that he has a lot of emotionally unstable female fans? Maybe Wolf may be a cyborg, but certain parts of him are all man.

So apparently, a gay prostitute using a fake name was able to enter daily White House press briefings and even ask a "question" at a presidential press conference. Pretty boring stuff. More interesting is that this guy chose Wolf Blitzer of all people to clear his besmirched name. And media critic Frank Rich weren't too pleased:

"Jeff Gannon" had decided to give an exclusive TV interview to a sober practitioner of by-the-book real news, Wolf Blitzer. Given this journalistic opportunity, the anchor asked questions almost as soft as those "Jeff" himself had asked in the White House. Mr. Blitzer didn't question Mr. Guckert's outrageous assertion that he adopted a fake name because "Jeff Gannon is easier to pronounce and easier to remember." (Is "Jeff" easier to pronounce than his real first name, Jim?). Mr. Blitzer never questioned Gannon/Guckert's assertion that Talon News "is a separate, independent news division" of GOPUSA.

Pretty damning. I wouldn't be surprised if Frank Rich ends up meeting with a certain cybernetic killing machine; a meeting most people don't walk away from.

Betty Ngyuen (sp?) is filling in Wolf today and just said "Happening right now!" I guess it doesn't take much to replace Wolf.

CNN just announced that Wolf will not be appearing on his Noon-1:00 PM show today. Pretty amazing when you consider that tonight is Bush's State of the Union address and CNN has been abuzz today because the Pope was taken to the hospital and a plane crashed in New Jersey.

Then again, the bigwigs at CNN could be charging Wolf up for what could be a long night of yelling about Bush's address. Or Wolf can be getting ready for seeing Laura Bush, whom Wolf described as "fabulous" the other day.