Wolf Blitzer is a Cyborg

You know, its tough sometimes writing a blog that no one reads, but then again, there is a sense of success when the message of this site has crept into the collective consciousness of a bunch of blogs that no one really reads. And it is obvious to me that Gawker has been reading this website:

Robotic anchorman Wolf Blitzer is talking about Iraqi elections, but I don’t think he’s taking to well to the Paul Giamatti snub.

The truth is out there.

Today on Blitzer's noon-one o'clock show, he gave an emotional, heart-felt eulogy of TV legend Johnny Carson. No, wait. That didn't happen. Blitzer just spoke about himself and his only interaction with Carson, back in the early '90s when he made an appearance on "The Tonight Show."

Not only did this segment show Blitzer to be the cruel, selfish bastard that he is, but he also played a clip from his appearance on the "The Tonight Show," revealing a younger looking Blitzer with less white and gray hair. Blitzer had just risen to national prominence as CNN's go-to reporter during the first Gulf War and was milking it for all it was worth. The clip also revealed that Blitzer's stiff walking style is almost, well, robotic. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

The clip also made me rethink my theories on the origin of Blitzer-bot. Instead of being a cyborg sent from the future a la "The Terminator"; I now think that Blitzer was a normal human that was mortally wounded in the first Gulf War and was rebuilt by the CNN corporation with a CPU and some cybernetic improvements. You know, kind of like "Robocop."

That's right, Wolf, I know what's up. You fucked up playing that clip, because I'm onto you now. You can't hide behind Jeff Greenfield any longer, because the American people need to know the truth dammit! And I am just the person to bring it to them!

Check out this exchange from Blitzer and Judy Woodruff from yesterday's inauguration:

WOODRUFF: The Ross Volunteer Company, they went by. Right after that, we watched the Broken Arrow High School marching band from my home state of Oklahoma, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. And I think one of you just pointed out this is an Army caisson platoon.

BLITZER: Judy, all these years we've been working together, now you tell me you're from Oklahoma. Why didn't you -- I always think you were from Georgia.

WOODRUFF: Well, I went to high school in Georgia, Wolf, and I worked there for a few years after college, but I am an Okie.

BLITZER: All right, that's new information we're sharing with our viewers right now.

This is -- did you know that Judy Woodruff was from Oklahoma?

GREENFIELD: No, I just thought she was a Southern belle with that charm and loveliness. But it turns out that -- not from Muskogee, though, right, Judy?

WOODRUFF: That's right.

GREENFIELD: Not an Okie from Muskogee.

WOODRUFF: From Tulsa, the city that was the oil capital of the world before it wasn't.

(CROSSTALK)

BLITZER: We're bringing new information all the time to our viewers. Judy, we're get right back to you. But we're going to continue to watch what's going on, on Pennsylvania Avenue outside the White House. We'll take a quick break. More of our special coverage of the inauguration when we come back.

Wolf basically came out and said "Does not compute!" when faced with the information about Judy's home state. He also seems to think its important enough to "share with our viewers."

But really, doesn't Wolf's response seem a bit too weird? If I were Judy Woodruff, I would watch my back around Wolf from now on, because he might have some designs on wresting control of "Inside Politics" from her. And there is only one way Wolf can do that: cold blooded murder. Judy, my advice to you would be to remember this about Wolf:

It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

This morning, during the Senate Foreign Relations Committee's confirmation hearing of Condi Rice for Secretary of State, Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) read a quote Condi gave while being interviewed by none other than Mr. Weird Animal Name himself. As a fellow Wolf watcher noted "HAPPENING NOW: My ears are burning!"

But then again, I doubt that Blitzer was programmed to feel pride or shame or embarrassment. He needs more RAM for yelling about snow in Hawaii or some other shit about "wild weather."

And by no means was the Blitzer name drop the best part of the Condi hearing; if you missed, Boxer and Condi came pretty close to a full on cat fight, John Kerry made his triumphant return to the Senate and Joe Biden said that Rumsfeld "doesn't know what the hell he is talking about."

I gotta go back to watching, I think Chris Dodd is about to give Barack Obama a big, wet, tongue kiss.

David Letterman offered some New Year's resolutions for various celebrities. For CNN's Wolf Blitzer he offered: "Legally change his name to Blitz Wolfer."

Pretty funny, I guess. My New Year's resolution for Blitzer would be "Stop opening broadcasts by yelling 'Get out of your homes!!!' when there is a hurricane in Florida, even though it would such weather affects 1% of the viewing audience." OR "Finally admit to world that I am a cybernetic organism designed to eventually control all cable news under my iron fist." OR "Find out what this human emotion they call 'love' is all about."

I could go on for a while....

According to Reuters, South Korea has built a robot that is able to "think and learn like a human," and that it looks like "a small teenager wearing a blue and grey space suit." It has the ability to "recognize its master, detect and analyze visual and audio signals, and people's movements."

Sorry folks, but you guys are way behind. CNN has built a cyborg that acts and speaks like a television news anchor and looks like a middle aged man with a white beard. It has the ability to speak in an eerily monotone voice that borders on yelling at times as well as appear on CNN at all hours of the day because he never tires due a rechargable nickel-cadmium battery.

While America might be lagging behind the rest of the world in many areas, we can still make a mean cable news cyborg. Take that, Kim Jong Il! (oops, wrong Korea)

According to the New York Times, CNN has "ended its relationship" with Crossfire co-host Tucker Carlson and will cancel the show. If you don't know, Crossfire currently leads directly into "Wolf Blitzer Reports," which most likely means that CNN will extend Wolf by an extra half hour, or put some other crap to fill time. However, CNN is missing a huge opportunity to have Wolf replace Tucker as a co-host on Crossfire.

But that idea begs the question, would Blitzer be on the right or the left? Since he is " a human being whose body has been taken over in whole or in part by electromechanical devices," I bet he has no political leanings. But then again, we are talking about the man who single handedly turned Ohio into a "green state" on election night '04. Maybe that means Blitzer is a Greenie...

Apparently, there is a new CNN ad that claims Wolf Blitzer "leads the pack," a horrible play on words of his unusual name. Apparently CNN thinks I'm going to choose which newcast to watch based on the animal name of the anchor.

Well, CNN is wrong. I choose to watch Wolf not because of his name but because there exists the chance that he might end a broadcast by removing his "human" face to reveal a titanium exoskelton with glowing red eyes and start attacking the camera. I'm not saying it is definitely going to happen, but with Blitzer, you never know.